• I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either. (Jack Benny)
• If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. (Joe Martin)
•  Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. (Ambrose Bierce)
• The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. (Calvin Trillin)
• Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. (Sam Levenson)
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. (Noel Coward)
• The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets. (Will Rogers)
• You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. (George Burns)
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. (Groucho Marx)
• Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others. (Groucho Marx)
• The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. (David Richerby)
• My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. (Garry Shandling)
• I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. (Lily Tomlin)
• If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. (Mel Brooks)
• If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect. (Ted Turner)
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Henny Youngman)
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (Groucho Marx)
• Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law. (Douglas Hofstadter)
• Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. (Franklin P. Jones)

Source: http://litemind.com/best-famous-quotes-2/